I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
