he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize