maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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