Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize