Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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