your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
