i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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