NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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