If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize