Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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