my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
