I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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