WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
