I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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