She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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