if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize