my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
