once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
