Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
