based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
