mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
