So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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