dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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