I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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