I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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