I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
