I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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