I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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