i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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