that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
