We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
