Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
