I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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