Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
