I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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