you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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