I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize