No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
