I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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