five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize