The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
