Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This is classic penis vs brain.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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