Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
