Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
