Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Damn victory sex feels great
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
