at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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