How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
