swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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