i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
