Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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