You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
