no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just found a bag of teeth...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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