Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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