I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
