Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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