I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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