Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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